I have finally mentally been able to let go a part of me that has been holding me back for years now. With this I can move forward and look at the good in my life and what is coming and be happy.
Okay so earlier if ANY of you who actually pay attention to what I post saw, I made a post saying I was going to ramble about some shit. Well, my mind set has changed and many YouTube videos, The Weeknd and some sherbet later, I have different ideas for what I want this post to be about. As I was filling my diabeetus sized hello kitty mug with sherbert, I was thinking about how Tommy sent me a text with a pic of a Coors, some sort of whiskey and some cigarettes. It’s funny because at 16, 17 and even 18 if ANYONE talked to tommy and I or we were texting, we were all about the Edge life and being Edge forever. I totally respect that and anyone who does it, obviously, since I lived that way for ages but it hit me… People fuck up. Not everyone is perfect. Yeah, I am not currently intoxicated or under the influence nor do I choose to be and I’m not going to hate anyone who is but we all have our inner battles and struggles and some of us who were so proud to claim Edge will, have or may one day fuck up and break Edge. I was 23 when I broke Edge and most anti-edge people will use the arguement “it was going to happen” and honestly I didn’t plan this mental breakdown that lead to my lapse in otherwise decent judgement. No one saw it coming… My friends, myself, my family. It just happened. And looking back on it I wish I would have handled it differently but it also showed me that this is why I believed in being Edge. Out of all of the times I’ve been fucked up, as funny as times were… I can’t say I truly enjoyed it and see it as something I want to do forever. I broke Edge for the dumbest reason but to me it wasn’t dumb at the time and apparently I thought forcing myself to violently black out was my only way to cope. Everyone has their way of coping whether we agree with it or not. I get it, I broke Edge but it doesn’t mean now I have to drink or smoke whenever it’s infront of me. Let’s put it this way… What happens if you prided yourself in being the best driver and then one day you rear end someone by accident because you misjudged their braking time or your own? Or maybe you weren’t looking or looking at something else. Yeah, you fucked up and it broke your perfect record but are you going to turn in your license, sell your car and never drive again? Fuck no and if you do, you’re a fucking moron or you probably killed the person you rear ended and maybe should give up but I didn’t kill anyone by “breaking” Edge. I also learned about and started to claim Edge when I was 14-15 when I wasn’t mentally where I am now. I see things differently. At 15 did you really think you’d marry your pre-pube boyfriend? Of course you did and unless by some rare act of nature you’re still with him, chances are you two broke up and you’ve seen other people.
What I’m trying to say is nothing lasts forever but it doesn’t change us as a person. If I ever pick up another beer and drink it I don’t think the Edge police will bust in and cut my XXX’s off my wrist. I also don’t think if I never drink again that I need to announce it to everyone with a face who knows me. Of course people will ask questions and say I’m not really Edge or I’m this and that but in the end I am the only person who has to answer to me and I will live my life how I choose, label or not. And if anyone outside is reading this who is Edge and thinks less of me, fine… do so. Just know that if and possibly one day you do end up in my position, I won’t look down on you or say I told you so because I’ve been there and it’s stupid. Be true to yourself and don’t think you need to hang onto adolescent fantasies and labels and let it lead you through life. You are more than a label.
I forgot to post this yesterday and since I just made a list of bands and went to start reblogging shit, I remembered I was going to make this last night.
For the past two days (Monday and Tuesday) when I was driving home from class/to Dover I am just listening to music, lost in my own thoughts and I start crying and when I do, I generally don’t focus on the road. I looked up BOTH DAYS when I realized I was zoning out and this little baby fox was sitting in front of my car, looking at me. The first night it walked out in front of my car and stood there until I hit my brakes and then walked away and last night it was LAYING in the road and when I came towards it, the fox walked away. Both sightings were within about .5 miles of one another and the fox went in the same general area as it did the first night.
What the fuck? Like, does this mean something or is it a pure coincidence? And no one is around when the fox is seen… just myself on the road.
Anyone have any ideas or am I just losing my mind?
I am bored so I am composing a list of my favorite bands
Note: This isn’t an official order BUT Ligeia is always number one and generally FTFD is always second.
1. Ligeia (duh.)
2. For The Fallen Dreams (Chad or Dylan fronting, idc, I love all of FTFD music regardless of the lead vocalist.)
3. The Story So Far
4. The Air I Breathe
5. Our Last Night
6. Brand New
7. Close Your Eyes
8. Evergreen Terrace
9. New Found Glory
10. Bury Your Dead
11. Poison The Well
12. Senses Fail (Have you heard their new album? Great change in direction.)
13. The Ghost Inside
15. In Hearts Wake
Lately I can’t sleep at all… It’s come to taking Advil PM which puts me to sleep but gives me fucked up dreams. I can not stop my mind. I am obsessed with how much I fucking loathe anisa and how she had Thomas for two years and was a complete piece of shit yet I give him everything and more and I’m dumped in 8 months with no sign of him wanting to make it work. Are you fucking kidding me? First it’s “I need to get sober and my life together” then it’s “I don’t want to rush things” then it’s “I can’t do another long distance thing” but in all of this says “I’m not over you and I’m not looking for anyone else.” What? How does that make sense? Oh, it doesn’t. If you care, you want someone and they want you then why can’t you try? Long distance sucks but it’s possible. Garrett and Shauna do it, your stepmom and father do it, it’s clearly possible but you want to say its not? I’m sorry anisa fucked you over but I’m not fucking anisa if you can’t tell. Every day I am fucking sick to my stomach knowing you will move on and I will be in NY, fucking torn to pieces. I am fucking sick knowing you gave her more of a chance than me. I’m sick knowing you’re no longer mine and I can’t go a day without thinking about, talking about or trying to talk to you. Anisa ruined you so does that make it okay to in turn ruin me? I didn’t deserve this…. All I did was love you. And honestly, I really sometimes wish I fucking didn’t.